Please, please make it stop!

About 2 AM here last night Hailee woke up as was most upset. When she's tired and disillusional, she's very unreasonable. She kept telling stop trying to force me to go to the bathroom, I don't need to! She was screaming and crying. All I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and love her. Then she realized I didn't read to her, so she called me on Skype. The screen kept going black - I wasn't getting very good internet last night. That upset her so much, she couldn't see my face. Finally, I called her on the phone and left Skype up so she could see me. She finally calmed down and when I was finished she went potty and got her jammies on and went back to bed. I cried though... it's pain wrenching watching your child cry and not be able to hold them and kiss them. I went to bed, slept ok, still had really bad pain in the back of my thighs when I woke up. I actually reset my alarm clock I was so tired. I had to hurry though because I set an early appointment so that I could go to church. I hurried and got dressed and put in my make up. I drove myself to the Dr. this morning. I got there and they started the testing. It was so funny because I kept falling asleep in my chair, but the machine beeped every 4 minutes. I finally asked for a blanket because I was freezing! I don't do coldness... that is why I live in Arizona.
As soon as I was finished I hurried and drove 35 mph to church. This whole city has super low speed limits! I got there as they were singing the sacrament song. Trisha and Jeff were actually asked to speak in church this morning. They gave great talks. I missed Sunday school, I was sitting in the foyer talking to a sister that has firbomyalgia. I told Dora about Dr. Rhodes... we talked a lot about how people with these pain condition - how we rely on our faith so much to get us through our worst times. Before I went into Relief Society I saw Lynette and Anthony in the hallway, so I went over and said hi. They were the couple that came over Friday night. I'm so impressed by them, just meeting them and talking with them you can tell that they are genuinely good people. She invited me to they babies memorial service tonight.
I loved how strongly I felt the spirit in Relief Society. This ward is really amazing, they joke a lot but I love how first thing - turn to your neighbors and give them hugs. And before class started so many came up to greet me and see how I was doing. Bishop's wife was sitting behind me, they invited us over for dinner tonight. The lesson was about the Holy Ghost and how we feel it in our lives. At one point I felt impressed to add to the lesson that the more we act upon those promptings we receive the easier it will be for us to receive more promptings and to know and feel them. When class was over, the sister next to me came over and asked if I had everything I needed. I told her how wonderful Trisha and Jeff have been to me and I was doing ok. Another sister had come over too and they said well there are a lot of us that do nothing all day and would love to help if needed. This ward has really gone above and beyond in helping me. I also told a few of the sisters about Kathy and how hopefully she'd be coming soon. They are so excited and willing to help her to. I'm so grateful to be a member of a church that has the faith that we do, but most importantly where the people have such big hearts and follow their promptings to help those in need. I know especially after this experience i will never again deny a prompting I feel to help someone. I loved the song we sang... I'll go where you want me to go. I love the words.
After church I came home and called Kel and Paytie. They were actually at Bass Pro Shop instead of church. Kel said I just want to spend boy time with my son since I won't see him for a week. Payton was telling me all about the little fish! He was so excited! I started my new protocol. I started watching New Moon, but then had to pause it because I was so tired. I actually fell asleep. When my machine told me I was finished I unhooked all my electrodes and rolled over and went back to sleep. At some point I need to get on a normal sleep schedule again. When I awakened, I had to hurry because we were supposed to be at the Volcansek's house for dinner. We got there and instantly I felt so comfortable. They are truly good people. I helped broil the bread and we talked for a few minutes before dinner. Bishop is in the Air Force and a fighter pilot. And she owns a vinyl graphic business. They had this amazing family tree, I'd love to get one for Dana and I think I'm going to do that while I'm still here. Oh she'd love that! There was another couple at dinner tonight who were baptized a few months ago. They were such kind people, I love how I could see that sparkle in their eyes. You know I really am so grateful for this adventure I get to be a part of, I have learned so much while I've been here, it's incredible.
We got to the church for William's memorial. Wow... the spirit was so strong. There were a lot of people who attended. First the bishop spoke then Lynette. She's amazing. In December she went on bed rest and shortly there after went on bed rest in the hospital. She was only 21 weeks. William was born on Feb 2 weighing only 10 oz. He was so tiny. The Dr's didn't give him much chance of surviving, but he live for 9 weeks. And got to touch the lives of those around him for 9 weeks. Then they showed a video with pictures of him, there wasn't a dry face. The love the Vance's had for their son was incredible. Anthony then gave a closing talk. He talked about the bond between a son and his mother. How true that is, when you can hold them and feel them. I hope she remembers that feeling forever of holding little Will in her arms against her chest. Afterwards, I gave Lynette a hug and just thanked her for allowing me to be a part of their lives. They are so strong and so faithful. They both inspire me so much.
When we came home I was able to hook up to my machine and start working on Trisha's wedding album. It's done, she just has to journal all her stories. I'm so happy I could do that for them. Kathy called and we talked for quite a while. Bill is having surgery tomorrow, please pray for him. He's the closet thing I have to a dad. I'm really grateful for him, I want to have a dad so badly, I really miss mine. I'm just glad to know that I can always turn to Bill when I need him and he will always be there for me. Kathy told me while I'm at Dr. Rhodes to really tell them all my pain issues and stop putting on my happy face. While I'm there tomorrow, I think we are going to have a sit down to see if we can manage my pain better.
As I sat down at the computer tonight, the pain in my legs got really bad. I was in tears, I fervently started to pray begging please, please make it stop. Please just make in bearable. I've always been able to handle a lot of pain and know the Lord won't give us more than we can handle, but I think I'm pretty close to my limit. Shortly after I finished praying, the pain slowly started to decrease to a level i can at least handle and doesn't have me bend over in tears. for that I'm most grateful. I almost closed out of facebook, but decided to just open a new window instead to blog. I'm so glad I did. I have a friend who's son will have passed away a year ago on the 30th. I'm not a preachy type, I have my faith but don't share it very often. He's so kind to always ask how I'm feeling, then I asked how he was doing. He's really having a hard time right now with the anniversary so close. I kept feeling prompted on what to say to him to try to help and comfort him and let him know what I believe. I felt so strongly to share with him the faith i have and how and pray that he will be able to find the same peace in his heart that I have felt after losing my family members. Finally, I felt that I needed to ask him if he'd like to learn more from the missionaries and he wanted to, I know that when we pray our prayers are answered. Maybe not the way we expected but people come into our lives when we need them the most. I hope that when he does speak with the missionaries that he will have an open heart and mind to what they will teach him about families and how we can be together forever and the after life. I believe this with my whole heart and know it to be true. I wouldn't be where I am today had it not been for my faith. It's late, i better go to bed. Another early morning tomorrow.

He really does answer our Prayers

I just thought I'd catch everyone up on the auction. We didn't have quite the success we wanted or expected from the auction. All the remaining items are going to be placed on Ebay and craiglist or facebook to repay those allowing me to borrow the remaining monwy needed for the treatments. I guess I let my faith waver a little, I felt so strongly that the money would come and it had been. I am so grateful for all those that have shown up at my door step with checks saying they felt impressed to bring me a check. They apologized it wasn't more, but if they only knew the gratitude I felt for them in my heart. Modern Woodmen has been great too, they matched me the $2500 and I should get the check as I'm boarding the airplane. I've been worried still because I only have $5000 and the treatment alone is $6600 not including my plane tickets, housing, car rental, food, etc. I got a phone call last night and it was the family that is letting me stay with them. They are truly an answer to so many prayers. She asked if there was anything I needed while I was there and I told her that I just needed a ride so I could rent a car. She stopped me and said that between her and the other members of Relief Society they would get me to my appointments so I didn't have to rent a car. When we hung up I just thanked my Heavenly Father for this Corpus Christi ward and it's members. These people have no clue who I am, but are so willing to help me. I'm so humbled and grateful for them. I'm going to try to get the remaining items on ebay this week. After the auction I couldn't function for 3 days and slept most of the time because I couldn't walk the pain was so bad. I'm just trying to get everything ready and my children situated. Being gone from them for 20 days is going to be so hard. I am so grateful for the internet though so I can still see their beautiful faces everyday!

I feel so grateful and so humbled

Since the accident I haven't given much thought to the auction, but it was always nagging me in the back of my mind. My pain over the last few months has gotten progressively worse and worse to where I was at the point I wake up in the middle of the night crying because I can't get the pain to stop. Being a mother of two young children - I can't call in sick. So often, I feel like a horrible mother because I'm so exhausted from not sleeping that I'm short with the kids or I'm not playing with them like I should because I just want to sleep on the couch while they play. So this morning, I decided that I was going to get dresses and put on makeup and be a mom. I did that, I'm so excited to go to Texas and get these treatments so I can be a good mom to my kids and a good wife to Kelvin.
So today while Payton was taking a nap, I decided to sit down and actually update this blog. I also did a few posting on Facebook asking my friends and family for help. Help to donate items or services. Anything that can help me in having a successful auction to raise the money I need to get to Texas. I did call Dr. Rhodes office again this morning and they did confirm that my insurance will not cover any of my expenses because Dr. Rhodes is out of network. I kept me head up and just kept calling around for people to help. As the day progressed I found myself on my knees over and over again thanking my Heavenly Father for sending people into my life and for their love and support. I have had so many people contact me today offering items and asking how they can help me. Some people I haven't seen since high school. Another a person that doesn't know me except for being a sister in Sorority Life on Facebook. My heart is just truly humbled. It makes me realize that I need to be more of a person like that, a person that will help a complete stranger because that is what Jesus would do and so many times I have turned down the opportunity to help others. I have honestly learned such a great lesson today and am truly humbled by the love and support from those around me.
Also, this morning I tried to contact a bishop for our church that is located in Corpus Christi to see if there would be a family that would allow me to stay in a spare room or would rent me a room for 17 days while I'm in Texas. I was googling all different things. Finally I found a church building 1.45 miles from Dr. Rhodes office. I actually called the mission office and asked if they knew what wards met there. They sent me to http://www.mormon.org to locate a meeting house. from there I was able to see the different wards and able to contact a bishop. As I called the Bishop today, I caught him just before he was leaving for work. I was so grateful for him and his willingness to help and ask a few members he had in mind. He just assured me that the Lord does work miracles and knew that everything would work out and my children would be ok while I'm gone. I've really worried about leaving Hailee and Payton, but know it what I need to do so I can get rest everyday so my body can heal properly from the treatments. I'm so grateful for my mom and the members of my ward who have offered to help take care of them and take Hailee to school everyday while I'm gone. I'm just so grateful.